Laura's Adventures at The Gym

Ok, so yes this is supposed to be a blog about my kids, and yes this post has absolutely NOTHING to do with them, but its important dangit...and it needs to be said.

Let me see, where to start...hmmm...  I am a member of 24 Hour Fitness.  I like to pretend I go to the gym on a semi-regular basis, but let's face it, that's a lie.  There was a point when I did go ALL the time, but sometimes, life just gets in the way (aka I am lazy and like to watch TV).  And let's be realistic, I like food.  I like my weekend-midnight-Teddy-needs-McDonalds-after-poker food binges. I am trying to change that habit...its a slow process, but I am getting there. I go to the gym for usually about an hour or so at a time.  Here's the part where I could say that I try to go 5 days a week, but that's only been since Monday, and I skipped last night after I had a meltdown over not being able to find my earbuds.  Anywhoooo, tangent over. 

While I was at the gym today, I was noticing all the action going on around me.  I notice it every time actually.  But today I was able to take pictures.  So now, I would like to present you with "Laura's List of Gym People"


1.In case this isn't clear, the gym is where people go to WORK OUT.  Its not a fashion show, its not a dating service, its not a place to go hang out.  Therefore, Girl-in-Spandex-With-The-BIG-Hoop-Earrings-and-The -Face-Full-of-Makeup, you aren't fooling anyone.  We ALL know you came to the gym to sit on the floor by the basketball court and watch boys.  More power to ya. But PLEASE.  You aren't cute.  The boys are most likely married and trying to hold onto their youth by playing pick up basketball.  So let's cut the crap and actually use the gym for its intended purpose. Kthanks!

2. When you are using a treadmill/elliptical/stair climber/rowing machine/exercise bike, there is a such thing as space.  For example:
  

 

 This is part of the row of Elliptical machines I was on...can you see that there are 7 empty ones next to me? I pick a machine far away from other people.  I don't want to converse.  I don't want to be nice.  I want to get my Elliptical on and rock out to my music. So with that being said, it is NOT polite to get on the machine next to me Mr. Sweaty Fat Guy.

There are at least 4 machines between him and the girl back there in the orange.  Really?  What part of my body language says "Hi!  Come work out with me!!".  I have earphones on.  A magazine. And a WEDDING BAND tattooed on my ring finger.  I don't want to talk to you.  Stop trying to engage me in conversation.  I don't think its impressive if you run really fast for 4 minutes then I can hear your out of shape ass moaning over the dulcet tones of Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg.  Pick one of those other empty machines and leave an empty between us.  I get that sometimes you can't do that, but at 2 in the afternoon, you can.  So back up.

3. When you come to the gym, wear gym clothes please...

Yellow button down, khaki pants and a leather belt...NOT gym wear.  I'm not saying you have to have a sleeveless shirt from Ed Hardy on, but wear appropriate clothes please.

4. And on that note, this dude...

Really?  Jeans? and a beanie? Really?  K, lemme break it down for you.  If you came to the gym to try to pick up a girl...its 2 in the afternoon, the only girls there are moms trying to get their gym on before the kids get home or grandmas fitting in a work out before the Early bird dinner special or bingo.  And if you came to pick up a girl (which seems pretty likely you did seeing as you are wearing JEANS) you aren't going to do it wearing those clothes.  Wanna know why?  Because you are wearing them to WORK OUT.  You *will stink afterward.  No amount of Drakkar Noir is gonna cover that.  What I see is a guy who thinks he can get away with wearing these clothes to work out, pick up a chick, NOT SHOWER, and go out and get him some.  Puh-lease!  Again, doesn't make you more attractive.  Doesn't make me wanna rip your clothes off.  Just makes me think you are a douchebag.

5. Mr. Muscley-who-goes-to-the-gym-like-its-his-job...The Situation, Pauly D and Ronnie called...they want their act back.  Great, workout, get your muscle on.  But for the love of all that is holy, STOP WITH THE TRIBAL TATTOOS!  I can spot a gorilla juicehead the minute I walk in the door.  He's wearing a sleeveless shirt. Baggy-ish pants, usually Adidas.  BRIGHT ass white tennis shoes.  Wristbands or gloves. Usually bald.  Standing in front of a mirror.  Watching himself. And at least one tribal tattoo that goes around the widest part of his bicep.  The diehards have multiple tribal tattoos...gag.  Tribal tattoos are NOT cool on your average white dude.  Its true.  Sorry to hurt your feeling Mr. Muscle. Just leave your arms blank...trust me.

Just a short list of what I noticed at the gym today.  I am sure there are more.  And I am sure that I will be back to share them with you all. 

Until next time,